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Saturday, November 15, 2008

My Inner Monologue can be such a B.I.T.C.H...maybe

So in talking to my sister I was talking about another blog I did, don't pass it on that there are other blogspots.....=) anywhoo, I find that I can be pretty self-centered. I don't think that is the way I am described by others as I have always heard "she is really nice" and wow, "she is funny and soo sweet" and dare I say "very beautiful" (that last one is from my Gramma)....Sis when you read this 'kiss it' if you disagree =).
That I, who knew a subscriber as someone who was charming, friendly and interested in my stuff, but only as long as the subscriber was anonymous in a sense by the lack of personal pictures. Once the curtain was pulled and I saw what the person looked like I found myself needing to distance myself and altogether a disconnect occurred. Am I a nice girl? I like to be respectful as my mother and family have always taught me, so why did I want to distance myself? I did not disconnect, I just stopped blogging. I do question however why I had those thoughts in the first place? Why did I find myself judging someone so harshly by the look about them? Is this a direct effect of my environment? Have I always made those judgements? Dare I say it, Is my family upbringing responsible?....

Here is what I found out: I did not, in reconciling those thoughts, really want to distance myself from someone based on their looks. In fact I found myself re-hashing the earlier judgements and changing my opinion, my self-centered-ness and where that thought came from. The subscriber was not anything more than a person who I had imagined as someone else or some other entity. It was not who they were it was who I imagined them to be that was shattered. It was not that the person was "ugly" or "weird" its that the person was now personafied! Wow I am really going deep. Here it is: I am not self-centered (I hope) I am just the type of person that doesn't like being watched. And when this person showed his/her face, I was suddenly face to face with someone I did not know and I knew it! Its like being in the room with a stranger and not having anything to say except "hows the weather" and "so, what do you do for a living?" and lots of uncomfortable silences.

So there. I Showed you my inner monologue, and it can be pretty "Rambler-esque" (look it up its a word). This is how I go through my day to day life, these are how I pick through my own brain and find solutions to inner issues. Everyone should hire an inner monologue to do this and to trouble-shoot the inner workings as this is how you can find peace with your own thoughts and especially with the outer monologues. By the way: "Rambler-esque" is not a word, I made it up, something you can do in the outer monologue. But, hopefully you don't lie to the inner monologue. =)



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